pray pray pray

to answer one of my closest friend's post.

bago ang lahat..let me post a prayer too.,

Lord please grant me patience, faith and understanding and most of all love in the way You would have wanted me to give otherwise.

Its a prayer well for most aspects of my life na magulo, lalo na ang lovelife ko,

mahilig daw ako sa kumplikadong relasyon, yung mga lalakeng magulo ang isip, sabog, may hangups, not ready, hindi alam ang gusto at marami pang iba.
hindi totoo. ayoko.sino ba ang may gusto, siguro yung mga masaya na nasasaktan, pero ako hindi ako masaya na, hindi na siguro kung paulit ulit, masaya lang sa una para i-testing kung marunong ba ko magmahal (which is hindi ko pa din alam paano mo ba nalalaman na mahal mo, pag nasaktan ka ba mahal mo na? - eto yung topic namin ni toni sa kenny rogers nung isang araw hehe). hindi ko din alam bakit alam ko na magulo na ay tinutuloy ko pa din, kasi siguro yun ba yung tinatawag na taking chances, kasi siguro ganun talaga minsan kelangan mo subukan para malaman mo. at hindi ko alam kung bakit kelangan ko ng confrontations, hindi ako mahilig sa confrontations, ayoko din, (hindi na naman totoo na dahil nagtatanong ako lagi ay hindi ako marunong makahintay), nagtatanong ako kasi nasasaktan na ako, teka rephrase naten, nagtatanong ako dahil nararamdaman ko na parang masasaktan na ko, at takot ako sa ganun, ang weird lang ay bakit nagtake chance ako tapos takot akong masaktan, e kasi naman tao lang naman ako, isa sa mga ordinaryong tao na umaasa na may istorya tulad nung mga naririnig naten na ideal man, ideal relationship, yung mga tipong can't live without you, crazy, happy happy na pag-ibig, na siguro totoo yung mga naririnig natin na love songs, na may totoo kahit papano, hindi perfect pero totoo.

o yun na nga siguro yung problema ko ngayon, alam ko naman hindi perfect, masaya nga pero at the end of the day pag tinanong ako ng mga kaibigan ko hindi ko masabi na kami nga, kasi hindi naman kami, pero bakit ganon parang kami naman, kulang na lang yung gawing official, bakit hindi pwede, kasi hindi pa siya nakamove on, kasi hindi niya alam kung nakamove on na siya, at ako? ewan ko minsan naisip ko ano yung ginagawa ko, yung naghihintay ako, na tatanga tangahan lang, minsan naman narerealize ko at naiisip ko na kaya ko naman siguro kung masasaktan ulit ako ngayon, pero please let it be quick, yung bukas wala na, pero mas gusto ko isipin na hindi na ako masasaktan ngayon kasi hindi pwede yung parehas na ending sa loob lamang ng isang taon,.. kanina tinitingnan ko yung picture ni willy , binuksan ko yung facebook niya profile niya, okay lang, hindi na siya masakit, hindi na tulad ng dati...

at para sa aking kaibigang mahal, salamat at lagi mo inoofer yung librong yun! haha, di ko din alam e bakit ganoon magulo lagi ano, pero aayos din yan, naniniwala ka din naman diba, at dun sa sitwasyon mo, sana makita mo o maramdaman mo kung totoo ba at worth it ba, tapos isipin mo din mabuti, at kung saan ka magiging masaya sa tingin mo, i support you...bilang parehas lang tayo lagi sabog magisip minsan ..hehe =D i miss you.

eugene '03 reunion 2009

today's the reunion day, eugene batch 2003,
did not go, chose partly not to go
ewan ko kung may nainis sakin dahil di ako nagpunta pero siguro wala naman
from duty natulog ako sa dorm, naligo, nagbihis, nagayos, nagisip, nakipagkwentuhan kay jeni, nagtext kung kanino ako sasabay, tinext ko si jommel pero naisipan niya na dumiretso don, sayang sana dumaan siya siguro tumuloy ako, si jobel nagreply pero ayaw naman niya pumunta at kasama niya si ian, si toni may date daw, si gerald nasa monumento, si redits hindi sumasagot, si maat as usual nagtatanong, si joram hindi ko magets yung reply... humiga nalang ulit ako sa kama sa dorm, tiningnan ang oras, naisip na uuwi na lang ako para matulog, maginternet tulad nito... iloop ang kanta ni sara bareilles na many the miles sa youtube, naisip ko pano if pumunta ako wala lang naman, naisip ko yung ako at ang di ko maintindihan na lovelife ko na masaya naman pero sana totoo, at naisip ko din na tapos na ang pasko, wow ang bilis , back to normal na naman ang mga kaso sa operating room ng capitol sa lunes, naisip ko paalis na si jeni, wala na akong room mate dahil si doktora kaye bihira din andoon, wala na ko makekwentuhan pag hindi ko maintindihan si jommel o ang sarili ko, pag toxic sa o.r., pag may lakad ako, wala na din magkkwnto sa akin at kashare ko sa grocery, nakakalungkot naman, hay, sana maayos din niya ang magiging bagong buhay niya, sana matuloy kami sa lunes para kumain at makapagbonding din bago siya umalis,.. sana maging okay na lahat, sana sana maging maayos na lahat ng magulong bagay at sitwasyon... pati na ang charger ng laptop ko na compaq hp.

i'm praying for a better umbrella

dahil sakto din ang tinext ni ryan, (salamat friend)
"heavy rains remind us of challenges in life.. never ask for a lighter rain, just pray for a better umbrella."

ito ang chat namin ni ishi sa ym, ipapaste ko dito kasi ito na din naman ang kwento...
=D... hay Lord ikaw talaga lagi mo ako sinusubukan, broken hearted na nga ako dati, tapos ngayon okay na ko, may bago na naman, hehe pero kaya ko to pramis... kung anu man yung gusto mo matutunan ko.. =D

Tine: me kkwnto ako sau , hhngi ako ng opinyon mu
ishi: sige sige
Tine: cge
Tine: kunwari ikaw to
Tine: hehe
ishi: oo. role playing
ishi: hahaha
Tine: lols
Tine: may friend ka
Tine: dati pa mga 7 yrs na kau mgkakilala
Tine: guy cia
Tine: di naman kau close na close pero okay kau like nguusap once in awhile
Tine: cge highschool frend mo cia tas kaklase mo din
Tine: haha
ishi: tapos
Tine: tapos
Tine: may gf cia
Tine: hayskul pa
Tine: tas wala ka naman interes sa knia more than a friend
Tine: althou alam mo matino ciang guy and all never mo naman naisip more than that kasi may jowa
Tine: tas ikaw din me jowa ka and all
Tine: tas ngaun both working na kau and all
Tine: a few months ago kinontak ka nia parang umalis ekek
ishi: oh tapos
Tine: so pmyag ka naman kasi dati naman nung college umaalis kau n kaung dalawa lang
Tine: kasi wala tlgang malisya ekek
Tine: tas pag nagusap naman kau parng oi alis tau
Tine: tara ekek ganun lang
Tine: lol gets mo b haha
ishi: oo
ishi: tapos?
Tine: e di umalis kau tas ngkkwntuhan
Tine: then nalaman mo nagbreak na sila nung gf nia pala
Tine: so prang ngadvce ka lang na okay lang yan kaya mo yan ekek
ishi: oo
ishi: tapos?
Tine: tapos ganun ln
Tine: mgktxt kau aftr
Tine: tas nasundan pa un
Tine: cgro mga once a wk ln naman or once every wk
Tine: magaaya cia tas aalis kau
Tine: hndi naman date kasi prang alis brkada ln tlga
Tine: tas ciempre lagi nu npaguusapan ung prob nia
Tine: tas ikaw din may problem ka din
Tine: sa sarili mong lablife na mgulo
Tine: so share share kau ng mga payo
Tine: cgro mga 4 months ganun ln kau
Tine: tapos sumhow
Tine: u started thinking
Tine: wat if nging kau or sumthng cgro mas mdali un para di na kau namomoblema
Tine: diba tas u dismissed the idea kasi naman mgkaibigan kau tska parng wala naman malisya
Tine: and then suddenly prng ngbago cia sau
Tine: ngttxt na cia ng mga i enjoyed my time with u
ishi: abaaaa
Tine: i mean hndi naman cia ganun dati
Tine: mgttxt ln un ng oi salamat nxt time ule mga ganun
Tine: pero di mo lang pnancin
Tine: tas mamaya hinhatid ka na nia o kaya dadaanan ka nia sa haus mo
Tine: tas tmtawag na cia mga ganung bagay
ishi: ahh. developing country na ito
Tine: lol teka it gets magulo
Tine: haha
Tine: so prang feel mo may iba na tlga
Tine: pero ciempre weird kasi hs frends kau pa
Tine: tapos minsan
Tine: pag nagsasalita cia parng wala ng bago between u and him
Tine: pero minsan parng alam mo merong iba
ishi: ahh
Tine: tapos naisip mo na gsto mo malaman
Tine: kung anu b tlga
Tine: pero di mo alam kasi baka mamaya wala namn so awkward naman
ishi: sa personality ba nya, sya ba yung nagte-take ng time?
Tine: panung take time?
ishi: i mean yung hindi nagmamadali
Tine: yep parng ganun
Tine: i mean di mo alam kasi isa lang gf nia
Tine: since nung hayskul
Tine: i mean hindi pala isa
Tine: pero nung collge na un pa din kasi
Tine: ah eto pa pala
Tine: parng alam na din ng mga kklse nu dati nung hayskul
Tine: kasi nkikita nu sila sa mall or sumwer
Tine: pag mgksama kau
Tine: tas prang npaguusapan nu na nachchismis na kau tas ngttawanan lang kau
Tine: pero between the two of u di nu alam kung anu meron tlga haha
ishi: in fairness may ganun pa. hahahaha
Tine: lols haha
Tine: nttawa ako pero nasasad din ako haha
Tine: tas tinanong ko nga
Tine: so ako na to e nu first person na haha
Tine: tas matgal cia sumagot
Tine: ang tanung ko eto
Tine: wat are we exactly
ishi: super naguguluhan ka ba?
Tine: sobraaaaaaaa
ishi: ganito
ishi: may problema rin si roy dati na ganyan
ishi: ganito sinabi ko
ishi: wag ka maguluhan kung ano na ang status nyo or kung nasan na kayo. iejoy mo kung ano meron ngayon
ishi: sarap ng feeling di ba
ishi: kasi baka madisappoint ka pag hindi yung naiisip mo ang mangyari
ishi: *ienjoy
Tine: okay
Tine: ginagawa ko naman un
Tine: pero ang problem
Tine: i think im falling in love with him
Tine: tapos nattakot na ko kasi alam ko may history cia ng breakup
Tine: from a long term relationship
Tine: teka tapusin ko ung kwnto
ishi: sige
Tine: malpit na sa mgulong part
Tine: so sumgot cia
ishi: wala pa pala
ishi: hahaha
Tine: haha
Tine: oo wala pa hahaha
Tine: sabi nia alam ko na alam mo kung anu gsto ko mangyari
Tine: alam ko din na narrmdaman mo naman na
Tine: pero hndi ko na alam ggwin ko kasi alam mo naman kung saan ako nangagaling
Tine: ang catch is ito
Tine: althou sinsabi nia okay na cia
Tine: hindi pa sila ule nguusap nung ex nia
Tine: kasi ang gsto nung babae wala munang commnication
Tine: since nung september pa
Tine: cool off sila nung may , tas offcial na break july
Tine: so okay sumgot ako
Tine: sabi ko hndi ko na alam kasi kung anu ggawin ko pero gsto kita intndihin
Tine: pero ciempre takot na ko kasi alam ko gsto ko na cia e
Tine: tas sinabi nia kung tntnong mo ko kung may more than frends , ang sgot ko oo, gsto ko subukan pero ang gulo gulo, hindi ko pa din kaya kausapn ung ex ko
Tine: tapos sabi ko anu ggawin naten, anu na next dito ..mahirap naman bumalik sa normal all of a sudden na parng walang kakaiba samin
Tine: tas he said
Tine: alm kong parng gago pero please pahingi ng time
ishi: ay ganun. waitlisted. parang entrance exam
Tine: un na nga e
Tine: tas sabi ko sa knia
Tine: nasaan ka na ba
Tine: kung byahe yan i mean nglalakad ba cia
Tine: may pnatutunguhan ba cia
Tine: sabi nia hes trying to move on pero kung ang gsto ko e iconfront nia ung babae hndi daw nia kaya pa
Tine: tapos ayaw nia daw masaktan ako, pero nssktan na ko already
ishi: korek
Tine: tas i said aykong intayin ka e
Tine: pero parng wala ko choice
Tine: kasi di naman pde na tomoro
Tine: di na kita gsto
Tine: so prng di ko na alam
Tine: tas i said ewan ko na kasi i think i was crying na dahil maskit cia in fairness
Tine: tas aftr nun di muna kami nguusap mga mg 2 days
Tine: so there...un na
Tine: anu tingin mu
ishi: awww....
ishi: kung gusto ka talaga nya, pag nakausap na nya yung ex nya
ishi: babalikan ka nya kaagad
Tine: ah kasi ateng
Tine: alam mo naman ung 7 yrs diba
Tine: hindi naman bsta bsta un
Tine: oo nga mgkaibigan kami ng mtgal pero ciempre iba pa din un
Tine: parng sana i didnt have to compete with that, sana hindi ako ung sequel parng sana fresh start
ishi: te ganito. medyo may insecurity sa tagal nung past relationship. pero iba ka naman eh. ang relationship mo sa kanya eh unique. nakilala mo muna sya ng maigi bago kayo dumating sa ganyang stage.
ishi: atsaka wag ka matakot te. taking chances yan. sa future malay natin di ba, maganda ang kalalabasan
Tine: nttakot tlga ko ng sobra
Tine: i mean okay lang sakin ung time na un and all
Tine: kung kelngan nia e kadamutan naman kung sbhn ko di pde tska kagagahan un
Tine: pero pano kung okay na tlga kmi tas tska nia kausapin
Tine: tas marealize nia mahal nia pa
Tine: its such a big risk na naiicip ko pa lang nassktan na ko
ishi: ah hindi pwede yun. bago maging offically kayo. tanungin mo muna kung ok na sya sa past relationship nya
ishi: or magpaligaw ka
ishi: para mapatunayan nya
Tine: okay teh
Tine: pero wat do i do now
ishi: bigyan mo nga sya ng time
ishi: kasi mahirap talaga sa sitwasyon na hindi sigurado
ishi: baka lalo ka ma-hurt at ayaw natin yon.
Tine: mtgal ba ung time na un?
Tine: prang npapgod na din kasi ako sa mga ganung eksena
ishi: te pag napagod ka, mawawala lahat ng effort mo.
Tine: so hndi ko muna cia kausapin?
Tine: tas eto tinanung nia ko
Tine: sabi nia im sori
Tine: gsto mo ba na huminto ako
Tine: tas i said ayoko..dahil ayoko tlga
ishi: ahh. may option.
Tine: kasi nga he said im falling in love with u pero hndi ko pa kaya ung confrontation na mga ganun
Tine: hay kaloka ang hirap hirap naman
ishi: kayanin mo. konting tulak lang.
Tine: paanong tulak
ishi: konting lakas ng loob. kung ako yun, kung gusto mo ako, patunayan mo. hindi pwede basta mag-give in kasi maganda sana na pinaghirapan ka rin nya makuha kesa sa rebound ka lang ng isang mahabang relationship.
Tine: yep ur right
Tine: kaya nga ayaw ko ng sequel gsto ko bagong libro na
ishi: korek
ishi: kaya mag-ipon ng lakas ng loob
ishi: hahaha
Tine: may kelngn pb ako gawin
Tine: prang may kelngn ba ko gawin in my part
ishi: yung paghihintay nga. na maayos nya yung emotional baggages nya at yung pagpapatunay na karapat-dapat sya sayo.
ishi: kung hindi nya kaya ma-fix lahat ng yun. then yung na yung time na out ka na sa picture
ishi: lahat ng ito, courage ang kailangan mo.
Tine: cge cge gagawin ko
Tine: salamat
ishi: ok lang naman na umiyak lagi dahil nasasaktan ka. pero deretso pa rin sa goal.

..........
and my plan... continue on, siguro kelangan niya talaga ng time, siguro kelangan ko rin, pero its always a different story, who knows this time its going to go well.. =D

talks and more corny talks

I've been reading Yoshke's blogs (www.yoshke.com).

He's one of my favorite bloggers. Well aside from blogs ni Camil, I don't really read other people's blogs, uhm okay , I did read boris' and kuya pow's before.

It's raining again.. i'm listening to glee's don't stop believing on youtube. I might watch t.v. later just to kill time, oooh time, i've so much of you lately, I think not having much of you would be good...for a change.. I have a feeling my time will go into overhaul pretty soon. I got a call from the hospital awhile ago. I was asked to complete my working documents and i said yes, i'll be more than ready in two weeks. Welcome again working world!It's pretty good really, especially sweldo days, and at least you don't think much of other stuffs.. like thinking about willy..willy, willy, willy.... i love him. Okay so right now i think i do.. so let me be..

I remember one conversation we had via sms, we fought a couple of days ago before this, then we made up, well its more like I start a fight then you don't react then we start talking again like nothing happened,..woah i miss that..It makes me feel really corny, mushy and oh so not me but real good...like this one...

ako: corny mo..
him: ikaw yun e hehehe,
ako: hehe, but i miss you still
him: talaga, bakit?
ako: ewan ko, miss lang kita
him: sus, pwede ba yun, bakit nga?
ako: kelangan ba may dahilan?
him: oo,bakit?
ako: ewan ko sayo
him: sinabi mo pa
ako: arte mo ha, di mo ba ko miss
him: sabihin mo muna bakit
ako: sabihin mo muna miss mo ko
him: miss you
ako: bakit
him: ikaw muna, tas sasabihin ko

and my oh my, I wanted to reply, because I think I'm falling in love with you..but no I did not say that. Roy said be careful with those words, and I'm trying to be really careful. I'm 22, I've had a lot of failed relationships, albeit short ones, most were almosts (if you get what I mean) and sometimes I'm not sure what they're really called... but I wanted to say I love you that night.. but of course I did not.

I'm just wondering really, what it is that you were expecting to hear? you asked, bakit? and I on't get why would you even ask, and you said, sabihin mo muna. Is it the same thing I've thought of... I love you Mr. Buttercup (listen to the song and you'll know why, again , corny *sighs). You'd probably won't be able to read this, but I've loved very few.. I did.. and you were my second shot actually, I just don't know if I blew this one altogether, after all like what Yoshke said, I ain't a fan of second chances too.. except this time..

hey, i'm really hoping we could talk, before things gets crazy this coming days..

music trip

current song: must get out by maroon 5
current mood: bumming around

today was a rainy day, its fine,.. wala naman akong emote na ginawa, i looked into his fb account using joram's kasi di na kami connected... okay na din na di kami connected, sa facebook lang naman, kasi naiisip ko laging puntahan at titigan lang yung page niya, at hindi siya nakakatulong saken..sabi nga sa kanta ,"there's only so much i can do for you, after all of the things you put me through..yeah.."..so i say din, "this is not goodbye, it is just time for me to rest my head.." i guess my friends are right, camil is right..we had a really good talk last night over ym, there were a couple of months we missed out kasi , well medyo may attitude problem ako before, if you say no saken, i throw fits..sabi ni roy at ni camil, and sabi ni willy, but kahapon nung naguusap kami ni camil, she said something and i replied with, "i respect that," and she said, ikaw ba yan? OMG nagbago ka na.. kasi usually you would say hindi mali ka pa rin... hahaha and i laughed, i said aware ako sa ugali ko na ganun, and she said, i hate to say this pero baka nga dahil kay willy nagbago ka, thanks to willy...and we both laughed... the thing is, its true, it wasnt him , i mean it was because i tried and i really wanted to make a mature relationship out of this one, ..natuto din naman ako , with every single failure sa relationships natututo ako, and i was willing to be better..yun nga lang... mali ata yung tao, kasi he said he isnt ready...naisip ko paulit ulit...anyway sabi ni camil, ayusin mo muna sarili mo, ayusin muna naten sarili naten..malay mo si jommel,..haha we always talk about jommel lately, kasi she said yun daw mga type ko dati.. well the truth is as much as i imagined it to be us, well matagal na kami magkakilala, and i like him, ive always had but not to the point it bothers me, i think hes one heck of a good guy, but i guess we're having problems sa relationships namin, and he's my friend, i hope we get through this, i hope he does, so i text him every now and then... and well madami naman updates lately, ang wala lang yung sa work ko,..im going to get in sa capitol this year,..im preparing myself because im going to do an overhaul, meanwhile habang hinihintay, im going to the gym tomorrow perhaps, spend time with family, with friends, surf the net ng walang sawa at magupdate at makinig sa music..Life is good, God is good.... =) pasensya ka na Lord pag maemote ako ha, madrama talaga ako, sabi ni jobel, you have a way of compounding sadness...hehehe... no wonder we're close , they know me...im so transparent hehehe... i don't want to be sad na, i just want to work, and have this road clearer, what to do, help people, be good, help people....

im not giving up, im making your love, this city's made us crazy and we must get out..

love love love and coffee

currently listening to: covers by ASAP sessionista
online sa facebook, talking to camil and toni

spent the day with camila and mechelle, lunch, shopping, strolling, camera pics, boy/guy/men hunt sa trinoma, bought jeans, yebah 29 na lang jeans ko, bought shirt from giordano, coffee bond at coffee bean and career talks, love talks and stuff... had a really fun day,....

camil tagged me, what was the craziest thing you've done for a guy/ for love?

my answer..i am yet to do that..hahahah..anyway we all get crazy for falling in love... but i guess its always the usuals, the sad love songs, the depression, the emotional circus, the sad love quotes, the waiting, the hopinh, the praying, the crying and trying and trying.. and the closures that never arrive...tsk.. camil said i should read the book, he's just not that into you..and i decided to borrow it this morning but i changed my mind, i just did not want to read any book, that will influence how i am feeling right now, i want the words i am going to tell him, and the actions i am going to do this coming days, to come from me, straight from my heart and no pretensions...haha yuck..talk about kaartehan, .... said i won't wait for him, said he's not worth it, said a lot of things, but i ain't fooling anyone..i like that guy, and if he isn't the one, that will suck, really really suck again...okay suck sounds like gayish here...and it'll probably hurt..awhile..but we all get pass it, then we find another one..haha i might have just found him...haha..my oh my, i should stop thinking about that,...i was thinking of jommel awhile ago, and i wonder, why we never ended up with each other, all these years, then of course cause he had a girlfriend all these years and i looked like do not mention it, during highschool, and love wasn't something i thought of seriously, not until now... and if i think the first cut is the deepest... ? (tanong ni camil sa landmark kanina).. i say yes? haha cause michael, well you were the first one, and took me years , literally, ..well there were guys after him, but i just could not bring myself to be as stupid as i was when it was about michael...i mean not until we started talking again, and i picked up the pieces finally, and i decided i will try that again, that crazy, all out, no more pretending love,...and guess what..i decided i'd risk it with willy..and here's what i want to ask him... sabi nga sa chuck na series

Chuck: this you, me, us thing? ..is it ever going anywhere...

(tanong niya kay sarah...and well sarah said , im sorry)

in reality here's what i asked months ago

ako: may pupuntahan ba to?
siya: im sorry, im not ready

and i cried..haha stupidly cried, because i felt like i couldnt breathe and parang mabigat siya..gets mo..yeah i probably got hurt...tsk..cause you say i like you, and you're about to give your heart to that person, nakangiti ka pa then you get something like, im sorry... hahaha..tsk ... but we're passed that stage, i don't know where we are exactly...so i'd get back to you..okay?... i miss him, i miss him everyday.. i wish he feels the same way...tsk..

love, sometimes you think you got it

mood: listening and wondering
song: Love is trippy by Amy Kuney

currently listening to Love is Trippy by Amy Kuney

okay ang lyrics ha, sabi nga ni kirby sa facebook, sapul daw, love is trippy..at sabi naman ni theo, tsk tsk... haay ang sabi ko naman, love is trippy, sometimes you think you got it.. and i thought a lot of times i got it, then it slips away...haay...it slips away.. na hindi mo alam kung bakit o paano, o kung may magagawa ka pa ba or tama na ba yung ginawa mo or may dapat ba gawin, im starting to realize, I guess its slipping away, whatever was between Willy and i, we don't talk like it anymore, and i kinda miss it, i guess.. sabi nga sa kanta, starving for yeses or maybes, tired of always being ignored... i kept browsing sa profile niya, and i was looking at his pictures and i wonder how i fell in love with him, tsk but too late...hay but love it keeps slipping away na lang, i guess it happens..it always does... one year ago, i would have not thought i would meet new people and fall in love again, but i did, one year ago it was just veterans, bryan, it was people i worked with there, it was mending my broken heart over people and it was jobless days and a lot more, this year it was officework, new friends, willy and well capitolmed and new hospital work... a lot happens in a year, i guess, i lost weight too, got my hair cut and fixed again, ... i got a year older too, i guess my life is moving forward, sometimes its just slow, but when i look back, there's quite a lot, oh not to mention, i have contact with michael again, haha that was okay, took a long time, you know what i mean, and ive opened new bridges..im thinking of burning old ones, but i guess you could never really do that, tingnan mo na lang yung bridge between me and boris, haha i guess its back again, nah not the romance or what, but us talking and friends, no more crying, blaming, ..and of course im not in love with justin anymore, hes got a girl now, i miss darwin i have not seen him in almost a year, maybe soon.. so im just going to let this be for now..
=) wish me luck....

backstreet boys ? tell me about it

mood: relaxing, bumming around
Song: Last Request by Paulo Nutini

I found out that backstreet boys are back! I read through a friend's facebook post. aha! The song is straight through my heart, might be their single? naks... okay let me make kwento, last night I was talking to Michael Adrid, my best friend during 3rd grade and 4th grade, and I haven't spoken with the guy for ..ah lets's see , 10 years, hahaha so we talked last night until 5 am, chatted I meant, sa Ym...thanks to facebook I was able to find people from my gradeschool, .. I was also talking to Vincent sa ym, about well the usual, haha about lovelife and the lack of it, told him I would talk to Willy one of these days, and well guess what.. I did, kagabi haha... I was glad to be able to talk with Michael, that I decided I can take a risk and break my heart again so I clicked that message button and said hi to willy,he said hi too,so i said kamusta..we talked for awhile sa ym din, oh well not for awhile but we talked until I decided to go to sleep na... wala naman bago, I thought of asking him what the heck happened, stuff like that.. but nothing really happened diba hahaha so its like asking why the heck nothing happened? wtf ang gulo, I asked michael that we ought to get coffee one of these days, I am really looking forward to that =) I would love to see him.. hehe..and I thought maybe I'd go ask those people I would like to say something to for a cup of coffee..and on my list... si willy, at si michael.. i mean si michael lozano..haha gosh hindi din ako mahilig sa michael ano.. si willy kasi well i still have feelings for him ngayon, and si michael cause i had feelings for him .. hahaha i am going to do that..sabi nga ni chuck..i want to do things i should have done before so I can start crossing them off my list...gudluck nga lang kay michael kasi umiiwas siya saken for some unknown reasons pero naguusap kami ha..haha si willy naman, well mahirap kasi siya ayain, i mean it would probably break me, disappoint me paulit ulit but its worth it kesa never trying...haha they broke my heart once, broke it twice..how bad can it be... tsk..im so shattered na..hahaha

Kahapon din I went out with my former office friends kasi pauwi na si Charlie sa Gensan, watched kimmydora with leander, guada, charli and toni tas had dinner with them at heliza, lemuel and gerald... I so love these people, never thought I'd meet new friends this 2009 but I did, see the office wasn't so bad at all, its not really, except for you know what names.. =)

2 am post

i know.. what we had was kinda dysfunctional and nothing out of extraordinary, but i miss you.

i know.
its weird.
i do.

~ =p

goodnight dear blog..

closures, hangups, and watever..

mood: hangups, closures
song: linger by the cranberries

*been stuck on that song

today was a blast..sabi nga ni gerald sa text niya, so much fun today,
facial, (well di ako kasama dito), hehe.. hair chuva (had mine dyed red temporarily and rebonded for that matter), timezone with ge and jommel, iceberg kingkong ice cream and fries with jobs ge and jommel, eugene people and people i know...naks saw camil haha and hanged out for awhile, orasan ko daw (how to spot cute guys sa mall), sweet tomatoes (referring sa fries), longterm or short term, (ge: cute oh, ako: para maiba naman, let's look for those na pwede long term?, ge: ayan o, 3 o'clock, hahaha pointing out a guy around 40's , ako: uh..longterm talaga yan teh...*hahahaha)... hangups (si ge sa kimidora, ako sa greenwich at kay willi (topic na naman ba to haha) , closures and pizza sa yellow cab.. and empire..(yeah dance battle sana, if matanong ko si mansour)..

closures, lovelife and all...lahat naman tayo may problema sa ganyan..trust me..kapag pag-ibig we all fall, we all cry, we all act like stupid kids who can't get what they want, tell me who never did.. sabi nga ni paulo coelho, and for those who have never been wounded in love, they will never be able to say "i lived" because they didn't...

siyempre naguusap kami nila jobelle at gerald sa bus kanina about sa moving on, about sa closures, about how some people need it and how some do not, about how some needs the reasons while some would rather not know... well guess what, I need it..and I need the reasons no matter how stupid they maybe.. I just need to know..i know i said goodbye already, i probably said it thousands of times (i am exaggerating).. but we are still connected ..damn facebook and those applications, its like we exist in each other's world but we do not, it's like im losing someone i never had, how does that happen... see i just need a reason, it doesn't have to be good, but it's going to be enough..

Camil said that I need a diversion, a new work perhaps or something so I won't think of him,.. I know that, I do that, have done that, it worked..its just that..I do not want to wake up a year after and think of this guy and wonder what if...syet what the hell with those quotes about the one who got away..I am pretty sure it wasn't mykel cause he's back in my life, and yeah i've pretty much accepted it that he doesn't want me, and it's fine, 5 years was enough for that..but these guys, i'd rather close it, than wonder what if , after all they can't be all right, right? ...there's quite a lot of wrongs, that, i'm starting to realize..haha

watching Chuck series on a Friday

mood: watching Chuck, enjoying it
song: Fresh Feeling by Eel

so I stayed home, its Friday, I thought of maybe working out, but..I have my period today, and it started raining ..so sinimulan ko na lang yung series ng Chuck na pinahiram sa akin ni Vincent,... started out good, some were a little boring but overall its the kind of series that keeps me entertained on a boring Friday... I wouldn't tell you what its all about, hahaha..well okay a shortcut, it's about this guy who got kicked out of Stanford, working at Buymore, more like Walmart, who receives top secret CIA/NSA info through an e-mail, and has all these info on his head, making him like the computer...uhm wait human computer... so there starts the adventures slash missions together with a blonde woman and a big guy as his holders or agents more likely...

just watch it ! haha... anyway I am still on season 1, and its evening already, i am on the 9th episode.. when suddenly the 8th episode hit me..

sometimes we just need to get hit in the face that we ain't going anywhere.. that scene where they were poisoned with pentothal and more like a truth serum when you're intoxicated with it.. he asked the girl he really liked, sarah is the name, just before they drank the antidote.. I know you are just doing your job, but this me,you, us thing, are we ever going anywhere? ...

and then she tells him , I am sorry Chuck, no.. and I sighed and I know how that must have felt like Chuck, tsk..believe me...and this song started playing.. Fresh feeling by Eel ..and goes like...

You don't have a clue
What it is like
To be next to you
I'm here to tell you
That it is good
That it is true

Birds singing a song
Old paint is peeling
This is that fresh
That fresh feeling
Words can't be that strong
My heart is reeling
This is that fresh
That fresh feeling

It starts playing on this specific scene, where he goes up to that girl, he really likes, the next day after she tells him that they ain't headed anywhere.. and he says,.. well di ko matandaan how he said it exactly..but he said, I decided that starting today I need to start crossing things from my list, and I need to do something I should have done before.. (well I thought he was going to kiss her or something) and he said, you and I, we need to break up, I mean this undercover 'us'...

and haha my ...I started thinking bout him..and I would want to do that in real life, if only nagkita kami before naglabo labo lahat..maybe baka kung nagkita kami ngayon, I would have the courage to say,,...you and me, this 'us', we need to break up... like this undercover thing.. well it wasn't us naman, it was like undercover in a way, it was like a secret in the same way... and he said because the more we fool other people, I realize, the person I'm fooling the most is me.

and so after he says that, he goes to this deli store, where another girl was waiting, this girl who told him I like you ...

oh i just love this episode..i want to find that line ..exact lines he said..

more dramas... from friendster to here

Status: waiting, waiting and praying
Song: Broken by Lifehouse

Everyone gets into drama sometimes.. we all do.. the thing is i usually overdo it..hehehe..especially when i am not doing anything...mehn.. so anyway.. I went to PGH this morning, registered for the BLS ACLS program sa DEMS or Department of Emergency Medicine Services.. syempre sa E.R. yun banda, and boy oh boy parang toxic doon, well let us say busy, I wonder kung dun ako nagwowork...wow PGH gurl baby..haha ..madami cute dun na doctor siguro..weee..haha.. Anyway I am making a mental note to read that manual, 4 days lang yun, at well sa October 6 pa naman pero siyempre you have to win it, este I have to win it..

I had been reading my blogs sa friendster last night while I was talking with Vincent sa phone, I found a lot of interesting stuffs there, ahahaha, I figure I would ask Boris to read some of them since there's quite a lot about him there but he never got to see, 'cause I thought we'd never, or I rather, would never talk to him again...hehe.. funny thing, they say we can look back on all these things and we would laugh about it, I guess we would...haha..

There's quite a lot about Michael too, and nakwento ko nga siya kay Vincent, and he said well do you still have feelings for that guy, I said uhm that I do not know, its been ages, anyway I have thought of asking him for coffee, talk probably, something like that. Sabi sakin ni Vincent, handa ka ba sa pwede niyang sabihin?, 'coz I would want to ask him, what happened anyway?, the same thing I would want to ask Willy ngayon, or some of the guys from the..uh back then, so anyway I said, I think I am.. I am pretty sure I am, because if he's going to say, I just do not like you or ever imagined myself being with you..then that ain't going to hurt, I mean it might sting, hehe, oh I am not sure, but I can get on with it, because I had accepted that.. hay yes, in fact I did try to fall in love again, in a crazier way than that, turned out pretty crazy alright, and yeah I , well I kinda blew it, damn chances, I kept blowing them ... I need more...a second one perhaps.. so who is the latest,..I am still not over you, Willy..but yeah I think you could feel that, if I think about you this way everyday, i wonder really

Pauwi na kami galing sa sm:
Ako: Naiisip niya kaya ako? hahaha
Vincent: Oo naman nu, naiisip ka din nun siyempre

At lagi ko naiisip, este yung kanta ng UpDharmadown..

Di mo lang alam naiisip kita, baka sakali lang maisip mo ako, hindi mo lang alam na sa gabi, inaasam makita kang muli....

Naalala ko pa yung time sa office na kinakanta ni Elle yan..hay .. weird I remember moments like that, I can't believe it, I miss that place, yeah I miss my friends there, I miss the salary, and I miss Willy, its so funny.. I guess I changed in a way, nung andun ako, I got caught up with that world, it became my only world, and I got sucked in the drama of it all, .. I admittedly did try to control him , my lovelife, my oh my, because I am like that, and because I kept making that same stupid mistake, I did that with Boris, I should have known really....but Willy was different and I thought we would get along really well..because we were exact opposites... but I was wrong

insert song here * Linger by the cranberries

Oh, I though the world of you...I thought nothing could go wrong,but I was wrong..I was wrong.. but you always really knew I just wanna be with you..

I miss him, damn it..I've so many guys , well i never really had any of them, because loving is not owning.. (insert song by MYMP)... i have so scratched myself so many times, I think i might be insane already, haha I am a sucker for these romantic things, but I do not really need so many of them..just one..haha... I know i know...i have to work on myself, Roy said take a breather and work on yourself...at least if you want a relationship to work..damn it, no formulas for a relationship.. ..but I just might be near to making one work....hohohoho..keep it positive hehe

I like someone..haha just kidding..isa pa yan mali saken e, sabi ni Ryan you keep falling na lang , kunwari pakitaan ka lang ng maganda nito, gusto mo na agad, madali ka magfall friend,...shux what can I do, tanga e.haha.. pero hindi..no no no..I need to fix myself..siguro yun nga..attitude..and accept accept and appreciate..so kung sino ka man..na susunod na pagiinartehan ko dito haha..my gosh blog, you should see my friendster blog and Livejournal... heheh ..do not worry..I am learning...I really am..buti nga at nakakablog ako ngayon, kasi naman bum days, waiting waiting for work, pero pag nagsimula na yun, tuloy tuloy tuloy na talaga..so wish me luck..at yung lovelife ko nako ha..ayusin naten..yun pinakamiserable talaga.hahahah patawa nalang...

wala akong quote ngayon e..eto nalang sa text to galing..
its overused
its cliche
its corny
its just a line
its illogical
its troublesome
its always too abrupt
its never on cue
its difficult to say
it'll be held against you
its too bold
its often quite pathetic
its amazing how, after everything

"i love you"

still works..


speaking of..naalala ko nung minsan katext ko si Willy, I almost said I love you..haha its weird, yeah i almost did, but I said it like hi or hello before, then I forgot about it... and roy said be careful with that words ateng.,, and I said I know, i know... I didn't say it, if you ask if I might now , I still do not know..., its pretty messy, I do not know what is, but I might have..sheesh can't figure it out..well bye for now..see yah soon.. =)

i need more hello's

Status: hyped up, needs to be for tomorrow's event
Song: We only say goodbye with words

currently watching Tayong dalawa.

Bakit ba nagsasabi ang mga tao ng goodbye, pero hindi naman talaga nila kaya?

Haha, I know right. I do that myself. I do that every single time. And yeah I pretty much do not mean it actually.

sabi ng mga tao sa facebook ko:

Jun Yee: tama naman diba? once youve said it kaya mo! thats the first step say it.

Always the first step is to say it, but I said it already, but now I wonder how long I can manage to do it...damn..I still think about him.. big deal.

Toni posted lyrics I think,

Goodbye's the saddest word I'll ever hear
Goodbye's the last time I will hold you near
Someday you'll say that word and I will cry
It'll break my heart to hear you say goodbye

- Damn you goodbye, I don't need more of you, I need more hello's, gawd...

emotions, don't come with reasons

August 29, 2009.
Status: should be studying but not
Song: Linger - The Cranberries

Happy Birthday to the dear celebrants: Vincent,Gelo and Boris.

Funny thing, I was a hundred percent sure that I was not going to their party. Okay make that 80.

The reasons? Well, they are quite lame, something you'd expect from me. haha

Well I knew Justin would be there, with his new girlfriend probably. I don't want to see them. Gosh, talk about bitter. I kept explaining that it wasn't because I am bitter, I mean I don't like him anymore, that I am sure. Even though I still think he's cute. hahaha. And yeah even though we had that conversation almost a year ago on our way home from a movie, I am not sourgraping.

The second reason, well I knew Boris would bring along his new girlfriend also. And yeah, I don't want to see them either.

It's just that sometimes, there are people and things from the past, and well emotions, you would rather leave there. in the past. Most of the times, I cannot control my feelings. I see people, I hear a song, I hear a word, and boom there goes my rational being. They don't come with warnings, or with reasons.

But anyway, I went. Haha, I figure what the heck, it doesn't matter if he's going or not. It isn't my birthday so deal with it. He wasn't there and Boris broke up with his partner.

I had fun. I decided not to eat much, because I was on a diet. Big deal, I ate anyway. The cake was so good I just could not step away from the food table. Fooling around with people, catching up, and more of the catching up. I'm just glad I came.

The party ended at around midnight,.. he came anyway. I don't remember saying hi, but I said goodbye.

Anyway enough 'bout I, and my reasons, and my bother to explain them..

Vincent, I know what you want pare, haha I am not sure though if it is good for you, running after her...but I know the feeling, running after ...uh oh..... let's just insert the song here... I wish you luck haha, go go go keep trying... and yeah don't listen to other people, keep up the stupidity, hehehehe

Boris, my o my, have we changed, or we're talking yet again, and I remember saying I could never talk to you anymore.. haha.. but I guess we both got ourselves broken and mended in the process..damn that poetry haha.. I am happy for you, being in med school alright, seems just like yesterday, we didn't know what to do with that license, I still don't know..but at this moment, I think I'm starting to... Keep them coming..hehe whatever that means.

Gelo, I know you might be leaving for Florida soon? I don't know, I do not ask that's why.. haha, it's been a year since you've been going here for Grandpa's therapies.. thanks a lot.. and I know you are good with what you do, I never imagined myself to be a PT too, hehe but anyway, I hope you get to use all those clothes for winter wonderland....